The Beastman Band

by The Beastman Band

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Mmmm…. Yesss… Uh- huh… You know what I’m talking about, I'm talking about a lady, there is no doubt. If you want tell her how you feel, You gotta play it cool, now here’s the deal. The love of a woman is like a seed, good earth, sunshine, and time she needs. If you want to make the love grow, you got to be patient, got to keep the heat low. Know your business in the kitchen. I know you got a scratch that needs some itchin.’ If what you two got cookin’ is worth while, like a soup that needs simmerin’ it’s gonna take a little time. Food and love are a necessity, and with time and love how sweet both can be. When a man has got an appetite, he can get his fix quick or slowly do it up right. It might not be easy… oooo this I understand. To have patience and self-control… it takes a strong, strong man. Delayed gratification... what I’m talking about. Eat all the cookie dough before it get to the oven, ain’t nothin' gonna be comin’ out! Got to use low heat! Low heat, long time… You think I’m jive-talkin’, well I’m not. Brothers who can’t cook a damn, be comin’ in way too hot. Take it slow, let her know you’re genuine and sweet. Just like a pile of onions, cookin’ long time on low heat. Carmelize – oooo, reduce in size. Sweetness – mmm, you got to know that that’s her weakness. The love of a woman is like a seed, good earth, sunshine, and time she needs. If you want to make your love grow, you got to take it easy, got to keep the heat low. Know your business in the kitchen, I know you got a scratch that needs some itchin’. But if what you two got cookin’ is worth while, like a soup that needs simmerin’ it will take a little time. A lady can smell a desperate man like a Kodiak bear honey! Low heat for a long time will ensure that her eggs won’t come out runny. I wanna tell you a story, about a man named me. I had a good-loving woman, yeah, and she left me in misery. I made her a pile of onions, skipped the oil, turned the heat up high. She smelled fire in the kitchen, and then she kissed my ass good-bye. Low heat, long time… Low heat, long, time…
I was born one morning, with a heat lamp shining down, In a metal tub with a hundred other chicks, My mama, you know she wasn’t around. When I was about 2 days old They went and tore off my beak, I had no way to establish a pecking order, I simply had no way to speak. Then they put me in a cage and stacked ‘em seventeen high. I can’t breathe, it’s hot as hell, and there’s chicken crap fallin’ from the sky. My chicken lady friend is seven cages down, So far from my view. Under the lights every day and every night, Just layin’ all those eggs for you! Lord, I’m a chicken and I don’t know why! I don’t mind bein’ a fowl. I don’t mind havin’ to die. But I’ll tell you, You are what you eat, and you people eat a lot of chicken meat. Sure do! So you see that it’s true, What they’re doing to me they’re doin’ to you. Lord, I’m a chicken and I don’t know why! Antibiotics and genetically modified corn feed and chopped up chicken bits. That’s what I eat and you better believe you can’t make chicken salad outta chicken shit. DNA and hormones have increased my size. I’ve got buffalo wings, a shriveled ding-a-ling, I’ve got big, fat, plump and juicy thighs! My chicken man breasts are so large! (How large?) If you made a chicken-man bra for me, (a What?) String me up from the barn, Just to get it on, It'd be quadruple-double-D! Lord, I’m a chicken and I don’t know why! I don’t mind bein’ a fowl. I don’t mind havin’ to die. Danny, tell us! You are what you eat, and you people eat a lotta chicken meat. Yessir! So you see that it’s true, What they’re doing to me they’re doin' to you. Lord, I’m a chicken, and I don’t know why. Lord I’m a chicken. I’m getting fat. Chop off my head! Pluck out my feathers. Put me on the table, what you think of that? Well, Lord, I’m a chicken and I don’t know why.
A better man would have never called you. But we loved once and I had to see you again. But I never thought, once again, darlin’ we’d get caught. It just felt so good to be your man. We said “this time we are older, Last time, we were young and things, they got out of hand.” But everyone could see, what our love lacked was sustainability. But it felt so good just to be your man. And I know that I pursued you. I know I let your down when I cut loose and ran. Guess I knew from the start, I was gonna break both our hearts. But it felt so good just to be your man. La bon vie for you was living in the finest of tastes. I’d rather spend my time, riding around with a smile and bike grease on my face. I won’t ask you for forgiveness, Just what I put you through is hard to understand. I don’t know if it was true, but I spend a lot of time still thinking of you. 'Cause it felt so good just to be your man.
Darling you’re looking beautiful, I believe we’ve been introduced. I can see you want to take me home, I can see I’m about to be seduced. But first there’s something we must discuss Number one on top of the list… is Woman I don’t want no trouble coming from your kiss! Well, you don’t have to ask me twice. You’re charming, bright, and mmm… you smell nice. Careful please, I don’t listen so well with your hand sliding up my thigh! First you nuzzle, then I mumble, “I’m not made of stone. I’m running low on self-control.” But wait! Unplanned parenthood is not the way I roll. STDs are found these days in 1 in 4 sexually active adults. I don’t think we should take all our clothes off yet until we see each other’s test results! Your credentials, they are extensive. I’d like to give them a thorough review. But woman I don’t want no baby comin’ out of you. You’re putting me in some kind of mood. I want to be straight up, I don’t want to be rude. You got the moves, there is no doubt. You’d be a great mom, but that ain’t what this song is about. I’ll tell you what I have to offer, And most of it is true. But you got to know exactly what you’re getting into. I can see that you’re hot for me, But I’m not the domestic type. If you’re a connoisseur of the erotic arts, I have an abundance of healing light. My life is not conducive to any reproductive act. You take a closer look, and Danger Woman! Get on back! I ain’t dreamin’ of a nice house and a white picket fence. I just want to hold you close tonight, and not have to deal with the consequence! If you want to make a beast with two backs, This beast, he knows what to do. But woman I don’t want no baby comin’ out of you. I’m a ramblin man, when I’m not traveling, I live by myself. I throw my dirty clothes right on that floor. I got thick dust on all my shelves. My house is far from childproof. A kid would loose a couple fingers – definitely a tooth. Clearly I don’t want no babies chewing on my shoe. I eat my meals right over the sink - about other people I seldom think. I know I have some more growin’ to do, so let’s start Right now with me and you. If you’re really interested in copulatin’, We need to be crystal clear on our communicatin’. At 30 years old, don’t want no baby in the prime of my youth. You don’t wanna have kids with me, Now, honey that’s the truth. Imagine your life, being my wife, Livin’ with me and my folks in Duluth! When it comes to havin chitlins, I have no interest, not to mention no clue. Baby I don’t want no woman comin’ out of you. What I’m tryin’ to say is Woman I don’t want no baby comin’ out of you. No, Ma’am. Not in the least. Nope.
Chocolate Jesus (free) 02:54
Grief 03:12
If you wanna come here, you need to believe. You can be here now, if you need to grieve. If you’re gonna come here, be wearin’ black. Better pack a sandwich, babe, it’s gonna be a long time afore you get back! I remember what you said. “You can find me when floor is my bed. And I know where to go, when I’m gone then you’ll know I was never here in the first place; it was a dream…” Dying is easy. Ain’t nothing to do. It’s harder to get out of bed when you’re feeling blue… Dying is easy. Ain’t nothing to do. I’ve done it a thousand times since I… lost you. Live a life to die each day letting go a little bit more and more of your life!
Be a Man 05:52
I remember… when I was small, I thought being a man was being tall! When I woke up this morning, I took a good look around. I saw plants and animals, I saw children, and a woman or two could be found. I looked and I looked, but the chance of finding a man was mighty slim. So if there’s a man inside of you, let me talk to him. They say we need a change; we’re on the wrong track. Some people look forward, Others got to look back. They say we need ideas, they say we need a plan. We need to teach young boys how to grow up and be men. So be a man… Being a man is more than being a guy. Standing up straight and knowing how to cry. Help animals or children that wonder astray. And it don’t matter if another man’s gay. Cause a real man, don’t give a damn If consenting adults are kissing and holding hands. So be a man… If you see a woman on the street, the kind of lady that you’d like to meet. Don’t use some kind of pick up line, if she’s cute she’s heard it a hundred times. Just say “Hello,” introduce yourself, and tell her she caught your eye. Give it a try. If you’re going into the great outdoors (be a man!) Living with earth and sky instead of ceiling and floors (be a man!) You don’t need some big machine. When a man could get through on his hands and knees. You once roamed the land, so do it again, With a pack on your back hiking that single track And be a man… If you're planning to spend a day at the lake (be a man!) Don't need a motor to make a wake (be a man!) Just go out with a paddle in hand. If a squall comes up, You got to make your stand. That's pretty dangerous you say I say ok... that's just being a man. Chop some wood in your back yard (be a man!) Don’t put another thing on your credit card (be a man!) If you want to be self-sufficient, Don’t let the man tell you gotta put up with it. Plant a garden yield, some crops, raise some sheep, and knit your socks Be man, have a plan, be an independent American! They say that a man’s gotta be big and strong. Well, they’re wrong. They say to be a man these days, got to have a lot of stuff. But that’s not enough. Some people think a man is always lookin’ for a fight. But that ain’t right. A man knows the golden rule. Help others succeed and you’ll get what you need. Be a man and walk the walk. Don’t engage in locker room talk. If a sweet lady is kind enough to share with you her body, You don’t need to go around and tell everybody That you got close to some sweet angel. Now you looking like a dip with no dangle! So be a man… Get out and exercise, lift some logs and move those thighs. Roll easy with those who are like you, And respect those who are different too It’s not about the car you drive, it won’t increase your genital size. Be sort of like James Brown. Good God! Get up to get down. But never push a woman around. If you do, you no man, you a clown. Be like Mahatma Gandi. Live peacefully, and set people free. Be like Johnny Cash. Be the man in black.
Kagemusha 02:15
This song has the power to literally change your life! Hi, I’m Danny Friedman, and I’m here today to tell you about a very special man, responsible for putting men on the moon, innumerable super bowl victories and Olympic medals, and countless Fortune 500 successes stories. Mr. Waitley counsels winners in every field, and now anyone can learn what all these winners have in common. Each of you posses some of the attributes of this Psychology of winning, a little or a lot, and you’ll find that by listening to this song, whenever you can, in the shower, in the car, walking the dog, this psychology will be become a habit knit part of your life and you will become a high-performance human being. 1, 2, 3, 4! Denis Waitley, he’ll motivate you. He’ll teach you to dig deep. He’ll teach you how to produce. He’s been reaching and teaching astronauts and Olympians. Your gold medal race is everyday. Dennis will teach you how to win. I used to live at the bottom of a bottle until I learned it was stuck underneath my accelerator throttle. That’s dangerous! Denis Waitley, he’s our man. He’s responsible for the creation of The Beastman Band! You talk to yourself at a rate of 500 words a minute, Maintaining and justifying who you are today. Are you a slave to this robot? No! No! The no! You provide the dreams. He provides the means. We all have birth, we all have death what will you do in between? 10 winning qualities each winner must possess, A positive self-dimension, and the energy to invest. It’ll bring you to the places that you want to be. That’s the secret of a winning psychology! If it goes wrong next time you’ll get it right. Visualize to materialize, every morning and every night. Most people spend their entire lives on a fantasy island called “well, some day I’ll.” What you set is what you get. See yourself making your goal happen. There’s a memorable story about one of our most successful and wealthiest businessmen in America, a Pioneer in his industry. In the early days of career when he would receive any bad business news he’d say “That’s Good.” And then while his associates stared at him in disbelief he’d set about finding what was good about it, and you know what? There was always something good he could find about every situation. As former chairman of our Olympic sports Psychology Program, I met a World Champion Russian figure skater, and she told me, “You know Denis, I rarely fall, because I practice each sequence in my imagination at night with my eyes closed and I could successfully perform my entire routine blindfolded without hesitation!” You know, I remember sitting next to a woman on a recent flight to Chicago who was making a weird high pitched humming noise with her eyes closed. I turned the over head air nozzle on her face and asked her if she wanted me to call a stewardess to come to her aid. “I BEG YOUR PARDON,” she retorted indignantly. “I’m an oboist for a symphony orchestra and I’m practicing for tonight’s performance.” So you see, you need to discipline yourself to win! Thank you Mr. Waitley, for illustrating it’s not what I’ve got, it’s the attitude I bring! Likening who I am right now today, I learned to do it by practicing, that’s really the only way. Do you ever wish you were a millionaire, wish you were a movie star? Wish you had a bigger house? Wish you had a faster car? If I could be anyone, at anytime in history, I’d be Danny Friedman right now. Hey! That’s me!
Everyone wants to know, as I stroll into town, Why I’m always walking with my knuckles dragging on the ground. My doctors, they are so confused, but it’s no mystery to me, How your beauty could change a million years of history. Some guys they look at you and they start to act so dumb. One flash from those sweet green eyes and I’m losing my opposable thumbs. I don’t mind eating bugs out of other people’s hair. You got the kind of love that could make evolution disappear. I’m a devolving ape man for you… I’m a devolving ape man for you… An ape man for you. I know sweet lady, that you might be a little creeped-out. After all I look a lot like an ape I beat my chest and I shout! But mating seasons here, and these feelings are near and, oh so strong, That’s why I’ve been throwing dirt at your window and I’m singing you this song. You know my forehead, well, it’s beginning to recede. Thanks to all this new fur I’ve grown no winter coat do I need. I can peel bananas with my feet. Open flame it simply terrifies me! I’ve even started to support the Bush foreign policy. I’m a devolving ape man for you… I’m a devolving ape man for you… An ape man for you. I better get going before your neighbors call the zoo on me. Pack up this here old guitar and get down out of your tree. But before we part may I have one fair-well kiss? Before I go and spend my life as… Australopithecis Minnesotis.
Is he a man? Or is he a myth? Some say he’s full of vinegar, some say he’s full of piss. He comes out every night when the sun goes down. He’s been seen at the watering holes in town. Karaoke night! He’ll be there. To sing is his thing - guaranteed you ain’t prepared! Well, the Karaoke preacher he doesn’t need to look at the screen. You’ve heard the song a hundred times and now you feel just what it means. Oh, maybe it’s his voice, you simply got no choice. Fall down on my knees and I rejoice! Karaoke Preacher, you make my heaving bosom moist! In the light of the dawn, he’s just an ordinary man. but he shines like the light of a god when he takes the karaoke stand! Walks right in, signs up, sits down. People say he’s a stranger, no one’s seen him around. He blends in to the crowd, just another drunk. Ladies bat their eyes, lookin’ for their next hunk. And the karaoke preacher he starts singin’ out to you. You came here to get drunk and now You’re getting some love and salvation, too. Oh, it ain’t the kind, ooo, you usually find… He’s up on that stage and you can’t rewind! Karaoke Preacher, you’ve been on my mind. You’ve been on my mind, yes! Then he disappears just as soon as he came. Your friend was in the bathroom, Missed the whole thing, what a shame. Wipes away all trace of sin with his sermon and he’s gone. He heals so much pain with that one song. 3:19 long. He sings it out and he sings it strong. Karaoke Preacher – you’re doin’ this to me! Your voice and your words, They seem to set me free! Oh, ain’t a religious man. Lord, I’ve made my stand. I’m all for separation of church and state, But Karaoke is a country and you’re president of this land! Refrain: He drops a bomb with song, and he’s gone, long gone. He drops a Karaoke bomb with a song and he’s gone. Karaoke Preacher please! I’m down on my knees. Come on Preacher! Jump right in. If this is a Karaoke contest, you win! Bomb, song, gone x3 Gone, gone, gone He drops a bomb. Karaoke Preacher!


Danny Friedman and The Beastman Band is a musical collective founded on the hybrid vigor of rockabilly, R&B, country-folk, and hard funk. The group’s resident artist, Jacob T. Stoltz, called them “an orgy between They Might Be Giants, Cat Stevens, and The Meat Puppets.” Other influences include Bob Dylan, Neil Diamond, Johnny Cash, James Brown, and Frank Zappa.

Danny Friedman and The Beastman Band are reaching, teaching, and preaching with provocative and socially-aware songs such as “Lord, I’m a Chicken,” “Low Heat, Long Time,” “Be a Man,” and “Woman, I Don’t Want No Baby Comin’ Out of You.”


released August 5, 2010

Danny Friedman and The Beastman Band is:

Danny Friedman – lead vocals, guitars, harmonica
Scott Hatch – bass, harmonica, backing vocals
Noah Mass – drums & percussion, backing vocals

Farfisa organ, additional percussion, & backing vocals by David J. Russ

Produced by Danny Friedman and The Beastman Band with David J. Russ

Engineered and mixed by David J. Russ at It’s a Secret Studio, Minneapolis
Mastered by Mike Zirkel at Smart Studios, Madison
Album illustrations by Jacob T. Stoltz

All songs by Friedman/Hatch/Mass except “Chocolate Jesus” (Waits) published by Jalma Music (ASCAP)


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The Beastman Band Minneapolis, Minnesota

Danny Friedman
Scott Hatch
Noah Mass
Andrea Grey
Elizabeth Erdmann
Janel Hesch
Jason Keillor

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